這種原本安好無事的生活，忽然腳下的土壤天崩地裂，毫無預告地，你開始掉入一個無窮無盡的深淵。
更糟糕的是，藥物的副作用讓我整個腦袋像置於佈滿迷霧的世界，夜裡即使很累，也睡不去。夜裡的黑暗，不是肉眼看不見的黑暗，而是心靈上更深層，揮之不去，籠罩整個心理世界與思想的黑暗。
然後我就只想書寫。可是近年來我的頭腦在疲累時竟然就只能以英語表達。因為置於brain fog 中，也不能很順暢地寫出來，只是非常片斷的字句。有時候就只是一個，一個字那樣跳出來，折磨我。
這幾天，就只有那麼一個字：vanquish。一直不停在我腦海裡出現。
The sense of falling, spiraling down in an endless darkness that is deeper than the night. What is waiting at the end of this falling? Will I be shattered completely? Will there be hope? Will this falling ever stop? Is there any ending to all of this?
Darker than the darkness is the fear. The fear of the unknown and uncertainty.
You keep plunging down, flailing and groping, in vain, fearing you will lose them all...your love ones. One by one. You lose them, or they lose you.
This fear, this unknown utterly vanquish me.
So what do you do, to try to beat this.
To shed a little light into this utter darkness.
To slow the sense of falling, even for just a little bit.
You be strong for those who need you.
You look into those eyes you love and capture the moment.
You joke and laugh even when you do not want to.
You dance the dance even if it was a sad melody.
And to soothe this tired soul?
Nothing but words comfort me.
Words, words, and more words.
And music.
And pictures.
And here is one I cannot let go. I come back to the pictures again and again for the beauty of them. The colors of the light. The grace and the mystery of it.
And maybe that is what I should do too.
Remember there is sweat, tears and endless and tireless work, and even fear behind everything beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment