“Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent and guts. That’s what girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.” ―Bethany Hamilton
"It troubled me, but I cherished it. It was like a harrow on my heart's ground to think of it, and yet I held to that pain, held it close to me. I wanted it. I hoped to dream again." Ursula K. Le Guin (The Other Wind)
今天好高興,因為可以放假一晚,不做媽媽,不做煮婦,跟朋友約好出去逛街,喝咖啡。
好心情就是要聽很好聽的歌。
這首歌真是無可救藥的浪漫。Awfully and hopelessly romantic, and touching.
If I Didn't Care
If I didn't care more than words can say
If I didn't care would I feel this way?
If this isn't love then why do I thrill?
And what makes my head go 'round and 'round
While my heart stands still?
If I didn't care would it be the same?
Would my ev'ry prayer begin and end with just your name?
And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?
Would all this be true if I didn't care for you?
If I didn't care would it be the same?
Would my ev'ry prayer begin and end with just your name?
And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare?
Would all this be true if I didn't care for you?
"Would my every prayer begin and end with just your name?"
年輕的時候,有好長的一段時間,我慣性地念著那個男孩的名字。
須要鼓勵的時候,須要安撫的時候,低落的時候,夜裡睡不去的時候。
有意識,無意識地重復一次又一次默念著。在另外一個城市裡的他的名字。
這樣念著念著仿佛就變成一個魔咒,一個禱告。
而他永遠也不知道,有一個女孩因為他的名字得到了無比的力量。
最近健康頻頻亮紅燈,跑了幾次診所,抽了好多次血,仍找不出因由。原本健康甚好的婆婆也入了院,現在還在與病魔奮鬥中。
這種原本安好無事的生活,忽然腳下的土壤天崩地裂,毫無預告地,你開始掉入一個無窮無盡的深淵。
更糟糕的是,藥物的副作用讓我整個腦袋像置於佈滿迷霧的世界,夜裡即使很累,也睡不去。夜裡的黑暗,不是肉眼看不見的黑暗,而是心靈上更深層,揮之不去,籠罩整個心理世界與思想的黑暗。
然後我就只想書寫。可是近年來我的頭腦在疲累時竟然就只能以英語表達。因為置於brain fog 中,也不能很順暢地寫出來,只是非常片斷的字句。有時候就只是一個,一個字那樣跳出來,折磨我。
這幾天,就只有那麼一個字:vanquish。一直不停在我腦海裡出現。
The sense of falling, spiraling down in an endless darkness that is deeper than the night. What is waiting at the end of this falling? Will I be shattered completely? Will there be hope? Will this falling ever stop? Is there any ending to all of this?
Darker than the darkness is the fear. The fear of the unknown and uncertainty.
You keep plunging down, flailing and groping, in vain, fearing you will lose them all...your love ones. One by one. You lose them, or they lose you.
This fear, this unknown utterly vanquish me.
So what do you do, to try to beat this.
To shed a little light into this utter darkness.
To slow the sense of falling, even for just a little bit.
You be strong for those who need you.
You look into those eyes you love and capture the moment.
You joke and laugh even when you do not want to.
You dance the dance even if it was a sad melody.
And to soothe this tired soul?
Nothing but words comfort me.
Words, words, and more words.
And music.
And pictures.
And here is one I cannot let go. I come back to the pictures again and again for the beauty of them. The colors of the light. The grace and the mystery of it.
And maybe that is what I should do too.
Remember there is sweat, tears and endless and tireless work, and even fear behind everything beautiful.
左邊的是安的自畫像。右邊的是妹妹。最近兩個小妮子還是非常熱衷扮演公主。所以她們畫的自畫像都是頭戴皇冠的女孩。關於她們非常熱衷扮演公主這回事,其實我不是很喜歡。我總覺得美國人在養小女孩這一方面,太過於大肆渲染小女孩就是該當公主這個概念。我就算是個喜歡做夢的女孩,也不覺得每天在天上雲上幻想自己是個公主,應該得到寵愛,還有應該在各個方面得到種種的特別待遇,非常注重外觀與服飾是非常健康與實際的事。更不要說很多小女孩年級小小就想著要跟白馬王子結婚這件事--happily ever after 是進入婚姻前最誤導與最大的絆腳石。總的來說,我家兩個小妮子可以扮演公主,可是我們灌輸的概念是:這個世界上沒有你應得(deserve)的東西與事物,你如果要一件事,你就必須努力付出,work hard for it。你也不需要王子或男人來拯救你。靠自己比靠別人好得多了。
"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like." 太多人花他們還沒掙到的錢來買他們不要的東西,只為了取悅他們不喜歡的人。Will Rogers
"To choose time is to save time." 選擇時間既是省時。Francis Bacon
"There is no dignity quite so impressive, and no independence so important, as living within your means." 最重要的獨立,與最讓人印象深刻的高尚,是過著能力所及,量入而為的生活。Calvin Coalidge
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." 享受每一個小事物,因為有天當你回頭看,你會發現這些小事物其實是很重要的大事物。Robert Brault
"We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it." 比起增加你擁有的東西,我們更須要減少我們的想要的慾望。不要一樣事物,跟擁有一樣事物,幾乎是一樣美好的。Donald Horban